The other day after once again eating an obscene amount of fast food I came to the painful realization that much like grief there are 7 stages you go through in the process of purchasing and eating fast food.
Stage one. Desire.
This one is plain an simple, desire with your initial craving which is either sparked by an inebriated state, or seeing a commercial on TV, most likely a combination of the two.
Stage two. Anticipation.
In this stage you weigh the risk of putting your life in danger in order to get to the food even quicker, all the while thinking about the menu in your head. If you're as pitiful as I am, you probably speed to get there.
Stage three. Realization.
This stage is all about the realization you have upon unwrapping your burger to realize this mangled and crushed sandwich looks fucking absolutely nothing like the sandwich which initially sparked your craving. I guess you could also call this stage disappointment or rage, because you inevitably feel cheated as you stare down your clump of artificial food goodness, and curse the jackass who made it for you and undoubtedly left a little piece of himself inside.
Stage four. Fulfillment.
Easily the greatest stage of fast food. You realize your there right as you take the first bite and ascend into fast food heaven. Common symptoms of this stage include: moaning, proclaiming “this is the best burger ever,” or stating “this is fucking delicious.”
Stage five. Fullness
Stage five is a blissful place where you have finished your food, you're full and very happy with your decision.
Stage six. Craving.
This occurs shortly after stage five when you are satisfied with your meal. Suddenly you can't understand it but you really want more of the garbage that you just ate, which causes you to weigh the options in your head or discuss them with your friends.
Stage seven. Regret.
Easily the worst part about fast food. Inevitably you will feel like absolute shit after digesting the excessive amount of grade E meat which you just pushed down your throat. It comes on quick, but it comes on strong, you suddenly feel like you are going to explode and want to die. This stage typically includes lots of moaning and groaning coupled with excessive amounts of complaining by all cohorts who also ate the food. As this stage continues someone will inevitably state that they “will never eat this shit again” or suddenly get the urge to talk about going on a diet. Save us all the trouble, you're going to keep eating it, and you're not going to go on a diet. Deal with it.